The Desperate and the Forbidden
by Terrahfry
Summary: Slash- Christian/Sean. My own version of things after season five. Spoliers for past seasons, none for season six. Christian tries to deal with his feelings for Sean. Probably discontinued.
1. The Desperate

**My first Nip/Tuck fic. This one was going to have just one chapter, but it might have two or three, let's see where it takes me. This story is made up and is set after season five and all is back to normal. It contains no spoilers for the unaired season six, but does have them for season four and five. It has nothing to do with season six, it's my own version.**

**-- author sighs-- I do not own Nip/Tuck, or any affliates. I'm just messing with the characters, no worse then their real owners mess with them ;) **

**P.S. this is Slash, this is Christian/Sean (with apologies for the first hetero-sex scene at the start) It contains: Sex, language, the usual nip/tuck stuff, you've been warned. I hope you enjoy it, and please review. Oh, and to the haters; remember that this is fantasy, it is writen for the people who enjoy reading it. If you don't like it, don't read it. It's just for fun and is not to be taken so seriously. After all nip/tuck isn't againgst gay people, and they've done worse shit than put two guys together.**

**The Desperate and the Forbidden**

Some hot blond eyed him seductively from across the bar. She smiled when she realized she had contact. He smiled back. It wasn't as suggestive as it usually was. Not that she wasn't a scorcher or that he wasn't interested, but it was one of those days where a shit-load of things were running a muck in his head and he couldn't focus. His eyes trailed away for a moment to sip from his glass. The ice cubes met his lips, cold, refreshing.

"Do I know you from somewhere?" A female voice broke the soothing moment.

He turned his gaze to the blond, she had sat on a stool beside him. He scanned her body with his eyes. Size 2, great shape, long legs, tanned, great tits-- well whoever done them knew what he was doing.

"I don't know, who do you think I am?" Christian asked a wee bit arrogant as usual.

"Yah, I definately know you." She said confident, "Christian Troy, plastic surgeon." Christian smirked, guess his rep was finally catching up in this town.

"That's correct, sweetheart, and to whom do I owe this pleasure." His smile brightened up, showing off his perfect teeth.

"Jessica." She replied offering her hand. Christian gently took it, but instead of shaking it in a 'hi, nice to meet you' manner, he turned it slighty and placed a kiss on the back of it.

"Carly was right, you are the romantic" She smiled slightly blushing.

" Is Carly your sister?" Christian asked eyebrow raised.

"No, my mother's friend. You done some work on her back when she lived in Miami."

"Really?"

"Um huh, she says you're the reason she split from her husband."

"I'm sorry to hear that I was the reason."

"Oh, no no no. She claims it was a good thing. She says if you hadn't seduced her into cheating on him, she would of never realized what a prick he was. She was better off." Jessica licked her lips, "So, what are you doing out here?"

"My partner and I wanted a fresh start." Christian turned his gaze from her and down to the glass as he shook the ice around inside it.

"Partner, oh, you're..." she stopped when his head whipped back up.

"No no, sweetheart, my business partner Dr. Sean McNamara."

"Oh, OH!" Jessica slapped a hand to her four-head feeling delightfully ditzy, "I'm so sorry." She apologized, giggling.

"It's alright." Christian's smile returned, although it looked quiet nervous.

"I just thought, you were...you know...since you posed in that magazine and all." She replied bitting her bottom lip.

Christian shot her an odd look then motioned to the bartender who got him another drink, he should be insulted a little bit more, or at best he supposed he should be. "Can I get you a drink?" He politely offered.

"Oh, no thanks." She replied still tracing her eyes over his physique.

"No, I'm not gay. But my publisist had a ball making people believe I was." Christain grinned taking a slow drink.

"It's too bad you're not bisexual, It'd be sooo hot to be with two guys as they got each other off." Jessica sighed. It was almost like a goofy moment from some cartoon, when some one does a spit take. Christian almost choked on his drink at the girl's forwardness.

"That kind of shit get your panties wet?" He calmly replied wipping his mouth with a napkin.

"Oh, yah. But, then again, it's nice to just have a guy focusing on just me..."She rubbed his leg suggestively. "Would you like to focus on me?" She shot a horny glare up into his eyes.

Christian could feel his cock twitch with hope. The routine was legendary by this point. Meet some gorgeous girl in a bar. Seduce her with four little words, "I'm a plastic Sergeon," or "Christian Troy, Plastic Surgeon." It always did the trick. The girl would light up, and suddenly be desperate enough to go home with him. They would fuck like dogs in heat. Then, if he was lucky and she didn't fall asleep, he would give her cab fair and send her on her way. The girl would maybe argue, call him an asshole, but leave none-the-less.

He figures they were desperate because it wasn't that they were interested in him. No, it was his job they liked. It was his money. He saw that in Kimber, at first anyway. People called him a chauvinistic dick, but they didn't see the bigger picture. He couldn't love these girls because it all boiled down to the fact that he couldn't trust them. He could spend his life lonely, searching for a Ms. Right, who could look past the doctor he was. Or he could use this fact to take what he really wanted from them and then cut them off before they could attach themselves to his assets.

His mind wondered back to the woman he left in Miami; Michelle Landau.

He could trust her in the fact that it wasn't his money or stature she was after, she was a very wealthy woman, she didn't need to mooch off of him. But he couldn't trust her in other ways; Escobar, the kydney ring, the woman had too many secrets and lies. He did love her, but it all boiled down to trust. He was making love to a stranger.

"Did you hear me Doctor Troy?" She cooed, putting emphasis on Doctor, and snapping him back to the real world.

"What did you have in mind?" He smirked at her.

Sometime later they found their way back to the condo, tearing and pulling at each other's clothing. He thought about Sean, then realized he wasn't there. He could not place why. In between sloppy, wet kisses Jessica's hands found their way to Christian's beltbuckle. She hastefully undid it and pulled the Gucci belt from it's loops. Christian found his hands cupping her breasts through her bra as she tossed the strap to the floor. He nussled at her top cleavage placing kisses as he went. He pulled the straps down on her top and slid it down to her hips, momentarily out of his way. Jessica's hands trailed through his hair as she moaned and begged him to keep undressing her. The top and her bra found their way to the floor along with his jacket and dress shirt. Her blue-jean skirt was the next nuisanse piece of clothing to go. Still fucking each other with their tongues, Christian's hands on her hips, her arms laying up around his neck, they made their way to the bed. In the moment of passion, Christian failed to care that it was actully Sean's bed they were at.

He pushed Jessica down on the bed, not to hurt her, but more of a show of dominance. She puckered her lips, full, red, and oh so ready. Sitting back on her elbows, she stared up at him, watching him strip of his pants. She raised up and grabbed hold of his underware tugging down at both sides.

"There you are." She said devilishly.

"Oh, shit..." Christian moaned as she took him in the mouth. He grabbed her head, filing fingers through her long hair. "umm, you sure know what your doing sweetheart." he snickered.

Feeling that he was about to come, he gently grabbed her arms and helped her up. She fell back on the bed. He swiftly relieved her of her silk pink panties, twirling them on his finger, then letting them fall wherever they chose to land. He spred apart her legs, placing kisses on her thighs til he made his way up to her already wet pussy. She ran her hands through his short dark hair bringing them to rest on his shoulders, screaming all her pleasure for the neighbors to most likely hear. He raised his head and left a wet trail of kisses as he made his way up her stomach, then to her chest. He made a pit stop to taste her nipples, sucking them, making them as hard as he was.

"I want you...I want you inside me..." she gasped. Christian wasted no time, obeying. Infact, it was about the only command he could follow.

He thrust deep and hard into her. She held on to him, eyes shut tight in twisted pleasure. Christian's head was at her neck, he could smell her delicious scent, but there was another smell. It was familiar, it was comfortable, it was Sean's smell. Sean had lived here for well long enough, so yah, his scent was all over his bed. Christian didn't think too much about it, he just took it in. Took it in, letting it almost intoxicate him. Jessica wrapped her long, lean legs around him, trying desperately to get him in her deeper. Her screams could have not only woke the damn dead, they could've made them hard as well. But Christian's mind was far from his latest conquest, far from her cries of pleasure, and far from being inside her. No, in this moment of pleasure he was somewhere else. Somewhere where he was sure he'd regret being as soon as he came. He was with Sean, he could smell him, feel him, almost taste him. He didn't Know if he wanted to know why that he didn't care, well at least not in this moment.

He shouldn't have been letting his mind venture to a place he knew was forbidden, but he didn't know if in this moment he wanted to stop it. His mind wondered back to his dream, he had never forgotten it, and had cursed himself for not repressing it and for letting it pop into his mind occassionally during mindless fucks with mindless bimbos. There was that part of the dream he told no one about, that only invaded his fantasies. That part was that he liked it, wanted to act on it, knew it was wrong. He was straight as an arrow. He loved pussy, of course he did. He loved titties, sure did. That was no lie to himself or anyone else. He wanted to act on the dream about Sean and that scared the holy living fuck out of him. That's why he went to see a shrink, he wanted her to want him to bang her and prove to him he was straight. Guess what happened? He fucked that fucked up bitch over her fucked up desk.

It took him almost too long to see the truth, it wasn't that he wanted men. It was Sean, goddamnit it was Sean. He had discarded plenty of females over the years, like used condoms or hell, more like empty yogurt containers. They had ranged from the odd to some of the sexiest women on mother earth. He found ones that fell for him, more than just his money or his fame, and took his abuse, but he still discarded them. But not... not Sean.

Sure he had treated Sean like shit, but Sean always... always came back. And when Sean did leave, he found ways to make him return to him. Sean left before, it's normal to have mid-life crisis', that's life damnit. But Sean always came back, or Christian always went after him. Sean left everything for Hollywood. Sold his house and went in search of whatever he wanted to look for. But Christian followed like a lost puppy. He couldn't trust Michelle to run a business with him... and he couldn't do it alone... not without Sean. The scent invaded his nose again, intoxicating, tantalizing. He buried his head into the pillow next to Jessica's head. Taking in the scent deeper, deeper, pounding into her harder, feeling her release before he did. She rubbed her hands on his sweat drenched back.

"Was it good for you Doctor Troy, cause baby it was good for me." She sighed. Christian got up and let a feeling of regret claim his drained emotions. He ran his fingers through his hair. Now comes the part he hates.

"You...uh, you need to leave." He choked out.

"Leave? But I..."

"Look, I fucking know what you thought. They all think the same goddamn thing. If they play with my cock, maybe they'll have a shot at eternity with Christian Troy. Well... that shit, sweetheart, only happens in fucking fairytales."

"Uhh..." She sighed. He handed her her clothes in usual routine, and then her shoes. Remembering how he had handed Gina her's the same way that first night he had screwed her. All that did was bring Wilbur into his nearly empty life. He loved that boy more than he loved himself. His mind quickly wondered to the small child who had brought so much joy into his world. He was sleeping over with Conor. They had became good friends and Julia had made a great recovery. She got her memory back, almost got angry with Sean for trying to trick her, and went back to Olivia. That sad excuse for a whore Eden was nearly arrested for attempted murder, instead she was sent away to a girls boot-camp or some shit.

"Now, get your slippers Cinderella, it's midnight."

"Cinderella, Carly said you have cute one-liners. Well here's one of mine; My prince just turned into a toad." She was angry sure, but she didn't call him an asshole, didn't scream or cry, or throw a fit. She got dressed without uttering another word and left. She didn't even slam the door. Christian glanced down at his partner's bed.

"Shit." He muttered softly, running his fingers through his own hair.

Christian had showered, dressed, and had been well into his third beer when Sean came home...

**Well, that's the end of the first chapter. I'll have the second up soon, I promise. Tell me what you think and don't hold my head under water if I miss-spelled a couple of things. Oh, and there is a lot I have yet to explain, I will as I go on.**


	2. Lonesome Familiarity

**Sorry, I didn't want nor need it to take this long. First, thanks for the reviews, and I continue to apologize for the last chapter's hetero-sex scene. It probably won't happen again, I just want it to be as much Nip/Tuck as fandomly possible. **

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**The Desperate and the Forbidden**

chapter/two: _Lonesome Familiarity_

Sean entered the house met by darkness. Chrisrian sat silhouetted by moonlight at the table. Sean flipped the switch, Christian reponded by guzzling down the last of the beer he was holding.

"Christian, what..." Sean started then stopped the sentence by himself.

"I'm a whore Sean. That's all I am... a goddamn whore." Christian replied bitterly.

"Christian, you're not a whore, you just haven't found the right woman yet." Sean had knew Christian long enough to know that his latest revelation was about his recent bedroom antics.

"Listen to you. I mean what is with you? You're always... always..." Christian's voice trailed off sadly.

"You're drunk." Sean grabbed the empty bottle and tossed in the trash. He tugged on his partner's arm as a motion for him to get up. Christian jerked his arm out of Sean's grasp.

"I'm not drunk. And I'm not a child. You don't have to put me to bed." Christian seemed insulted, but wasn't really. It's nice to know someone cares.

Sean sighed, "Well, wanna tell me why you think you're a whore?"

"I had her. I had Julia, Sean. And I couldn't be faithful to her, or stand by her when she was sick."

"You thought she was..." Sean tried to push down whatever jealousy that remained.

"I thought she was faking it. I didn't know that whore was poisoning her." Christian sighed softly, he carded his fingers on the table. Sean stood still, not wanting to respond until Christian had finished. "I dunno, I wanted her so bad, but when I had her, when she was finally mine, it was just..." Christian rubbed his eyes with his thumb and middle finger, "I guess I was more in love with the idea of her."

"You only wanted her because of me." Sean replied, voice almost plaqued by bitterness, he rested his hand on the back of the free chair. Christian glanced up at him, hating the pain and coldness in his blue eyes.

"You're probably right." Christian replied sourly. Sean walked to the fridge and poured himself a drink. "You remember when you found out about Matty and you kicked my ass?"

"Oh, I remember. I'll never forget." Sean sat down at the table a chair away from his partner.

"You remeber what you said? You said you loved me the most. Did you really mean that?"

"Of course I did. Julia could of slept with anybody, it wouldn't have hurt me half as bad." Sean's gaze was directed down at his glass, he was pondering.

"Yah, but isn't it better that I'm Matt's father instead of some frat boy jerk?"

"You were some frat boy jerk." Sean smirked.

"Not the point Sean." Christian leaned back.

"Okay, I guess so." Sean followed with a long drink.

"I could have never said the same thing about you. I didn't love you the most. I thought I did. I sat back, let you have Julia, let you marry her. But I didn't by sleeping with her, I didn't by hidding it all those years. I didn't by hidding our relationship from you this past time. I just thought if you didn't know, I wouldn't loose you. You're the only one I can trust, can count on. Through all my screw-ups, you've been there. I've done some shitty things to you, but you stayed. But as soon as I had the opportunity to have Julia, I took it. And I didn't care how'd you feel."

"Wow, you're really drunk." Sean took another drink.

"I only had three Sean."

"So, you're a lightweight. Who'd of guessed?" Sean quipped, he finally looked back up.

"Sean, I'm trying to make amends here, come on."

"I'm sorry, go ahead."

"You still love Julia and I should have kept out of it."

"No, Christian. You loved her, I should have respected that. I... I just don't want to be alone anymore. It's like being with Julia is all I know. The truth is I only want her when I don't have her. When I'm with her, we just can't make it work."

"I thought she was what I always wanted... what was missing in my life. She's just not the one Sean, for either of us." Sean didn't notice the lost look in Christian's eyes as he stared at him. Instead Sean redirected his focus back on the ice cubes that occupied his glass.

"As hard as it is to admit, maybe you're right." Sean downed the rest of the drink, then rose from his seat to get another. "You want some more?"

"Why not?" Christian replied as Sean got out another clean glass.

A few seconds later Sean handed him his drink, then after taking a short sip relocated to the living room and flopped down on the couch. Christian got up and followed. He stood in the room casually leaning on the wall, holding his glass, gazing at his partner reclining on the sofa. Christian smirked, letting his mind wonder to something of a conflicting nature. He could be a "man" and go out tomorrow night, go to another bar, find another willing whore, fuck her damn brains out. Or he could go with his heart for a chance and tell Sean what the hell he really wanted to say. Christian decided on at least going at a slower pace, so first he joined Sean on the couch, keeping distance so he appeared casual.

"It shouldn't surprise me..." Christian smirked, the remark made Sean turn his head to Christian, "The way I treat women, it's probably genetics."

"What are you talking about?" Sean looked at him as if he had a third eye.

"I mean my real father was a goddamn rapist. He raped my mother and that resulted in her not wanting me. Shit, I've charmed thousands of women, but not even my plastic surgeon status made her want a damn thing to do with me."

Sean sat silently waiting for Christian to finish, thinking to himself that his partner appeared as if he was lost, searching for answers. Maybe he'll find them if he keeps digging into his past. Maybe if he keeps digging at it like a scab, he'll find that inner peace. Trouble is; when you dig at bloody scabs, you risk infection.

"Then my foster father molested me- no fucking wonder I'm screwed up." Christian continued, his eyes directed at some spot on the rug.

"It seems like a disturbing way for things to come full circle doesn't it?" Sean responded, it was more of a statement than a question.

"It makes it even harder to have any faith at all. I paid for what the son of a bitch did to my mother. I suffered." His voice sounded like it was haunted.

"Christian, I don't think you can honestly believe that you were a whipping boy for what some psycho did to your biological mother."

"How else do you explain it?" Christian gazed over at Sean, both hands on his glass as he slouched forward, resting his elbows on his knees.  
"Christian, we all make our own decisions in life. The rapist that did what he did that resulted in you being born, well it was his choice to do what he did. Mr. Troy doing what he did was his choice. It wasn't your choice to be abused. But it is your choice to keep doing what you do to women. It isn't genetics, if it were you wouldn't be a good father to Wilbur, or Matt, and I don't have to keep reminding you what a help you've been with Annie, or Conor. It hasn't come full circle because you've broken that loop that you think posseses you. You're not that man, you're not Mr. Troy." Sean's stated, he hoped it would make Christian feel a little better if anything.

"I always knew that if I ever had children, I'd do everything in my being to keep them from experiencing the hell I had to go through."

"I don't discredit that Christian. You're a better man than either of them. And as far as your mother- she's a fool to not want you in her life." Sean's eyes trailed off Christian and down to the floor. Yes, his father had walked out on him and his mother when he was a boy, but he never had to deal with the shit Christian did. His father walked out on him, he didn't force sex on him. He couldn't relate and it almost made him sick to his stomach to even think of trying. So he kept that to himself, buried deep along with a few other things he hoped no one would ever find.

"I'm lonely Sean." The words drew Sean's head back up. "I don't have anyone left. I lost Julia, our friendship is probably dead now, for good this time. Matt.. Matt is pissed at me for not letting him screw his sister for fuck's sake." He wished that even though he tried to say it like it was worth joking about, he wished it was a sick joke and not the truth.

"Christian that isn't either one of our faults."

"I posed in that degrading magazine Sean. Darlene saw it, I introduced Matt to Amy."

"You didn't know, Matt didn't know either."

"That sure as hell doesn't make me feel better."

"What happened with Darlene and Amy?" Sean wondered, it sounded like he was trying to change the subject. Maybe he was.

"Last I heard; Darlene wanted a fairytale I refused to give her. She took Amy back home with her. It's complicated, I want to be a father figure to Amy in a way. Not be a prick and walk out. If she had found me after Amy was born, I would've took care of her. But after this... shit's just too fucked up. We can't just be a happy family." Christian explained almost sounding contrite.

"Amy's a big girl Christian."

"Is that what we tell Matt?"

"We try. Matt's a big boy, we can't always hold his hand. No matter how badly we want to." Sean sounded hypocritical at best. No matter how hard he tried with Matt-- Matt just kept screwing up.

"Kimber's gone. In a sick twisted set of events, she had our grandchild. Thanks to Ram we can't even see her. Even if Matt could do anything his shit isn't together. He can't raise a child." Christian leaned back in the sofa.

"We could help." Christian noticed that 'lost in another world' look in Sean's eyes.

"What about not holding his hand?" Christian pointed out.

"You're right. Sorry, I wasn't thinking."

"I don't even have Gina anymore." He sighed sadly, "I keep thinking anyday now, I will hear her say 'hey, asshole,' but it doesn't come. She was a manipulative bitch, she even tried to fuck up my relationship with Julia, but..." Christian stopped when he noticed another look in Sean's eyes, like he had been stabbed in the heart and it bled into his soul. "Sorry."

"No, I need to get over it. Julia and I are done." Sean took his last drink and sat the glass on the floor.

"I felt sorry for her. She wanted me to love her, but I couldn't. I couldn't treat her right, she couldn't treat me right. She was right, we were a match made in hell."

--

Sean returned from the kitchen with another drink, water for Christian who already had four in, thankful it wasn't hard liquor.

"I don't have anyone, I have Wilbur, but that's all I have left." Christian continued.

Sean turned his head back to him, Christian's head was cast down, it seemed like he was waiting for Sean to give him the right answer. To just say the right thing to lift him up. Sean didn't have the words, or not any that he thought Christian would want to hear from him.

"You're not as alone as you think you are Christian." Sean smiled a bit as Christian looked back up at him, "You have me, I'm here." Sean opened his arms as if he was fixen to hug him.

"Are you?" Christian snapped back.

"What's that supposed to mean?" Sean replied his tone still calm, his facial expressions void of their warmness replaced with comfussion, he dropped his arms.

"Since we came to this God-forsaken town, you've been too wrapped up in the Hollywood dream." Christian eyed him accusingly.

"I know.." Sean's voice dropped lower than it already was, "I know, I'm sorry. It was a mistake to come out here. I just... back in Miami, all I did was live in your shadow, it felt good to be casting my own for once."

"That doesn't make it better."

"What do you want from me? Blood? You followed me out here. You could of stayed in Miami, joined business with Michelle, had a mother for Wilbur, had it all. Why'd you follow me anyway? And on top of all that, you paid me back by sleeping with Julia."

"I wish you'd stop with Julia, Sean. Jesus. This isn't about Julia, or Michelle, it's about me and you. It always has been. Are you saying you wouldn't have missed me if I had of stayed in Miami?"

Sean couldn't answer, he didn't know how. So he just stared at the man who awaited his answer as if it would solve all his problems.

"I needed you Sean. You make me better. Michelle couldn't be trusted. There's only one man I trust, he's siting on this couch, and I'm not him."

"I'm sorry Christian. Like I said, you're just trying to be happy."

"Well, I'm not happy Sean, not without you. Why does it bother you so bad anyway? That I was with Julia, you could've easily gotten her back from Olivia." Christian dug at the wound deeper, maybe what he needed was in the answer to that statement.

"Olivia did bother me, but I was too wrapped up with Annie being corrupted by Eden."

"No, you were too wrapped up with you being corrupted by Eden." Christian almost laughed, but Sean's face appeared homicidal. "And thank God, you ended it with that pychco, look what she did to Julia."

"She would of never did that to Julia, if I hadn't of gotten involved with her in the first place."

"Sean, Sean, stop it. We need to stop blaming ourselves for everyone else's short-comings."

"Yeah, you're right, I guess."

"No guessing to it. I'm always right." Christian smiled arrogantly. Sean was at least happy that Christian was distracted from his previous depressions. Sean smiled back at him.

"Well, if it makes you feel better, I don't have anyone either. Not Julia, not Matt, and Annie isn't a little girl anymore. I didn't even get a couple more years with her before she grew up."

"She's not grown up Sean. Eden basically stole that child's innocence. For that I will never forgive that bitch."

"It's my fault." Sean replied slouching, hands rubbing his tired eyes.

Christian sat up and eyed him, "No, we established this, it isn't anyone's fault."

"Moving out here was a mistake."

"Sean? Julia dating Olivia wasn't a result of you moving out here. Eden was already in the picture."

"Once again, you're right Christian," Sean came back sarcastically, he sat back up, 'But if I had never told Julia about Monica, she wouldn't of left."

"We need to let Julia go. We neither one could make her happy, maybe it isn't about Olivia being another woman, maybe she was right. It doen't matter if the person you love is your desired gender. Olivia makes her happy, and maybe that's enough." Who was he trying to convince? Himself or Sean. Christian couldn't tell, maybe both.

"Come on Christian. You of all people are pro straight."

"I am not." Christian seemed hurt at the statement, like he had just been called a racist.

"Really? You would convert Liz if you could."

"That's bullshit."

"Well, what about you? What if you fell in love with someone unconventional?"

The question caught Christian off-gaurd, "Like what? A fat chick?"

"Yeah, a fat chick." Sean rolled his eyes as if it were another stab at Kate.

"I'm sorry Sean, I didn't mean it like that."

"I know. Poor Kate, I treated her like shit, just because she wasn't my type."

"Now you know how I feel."

Sean smiked, "Love's out there Christian. For both of us."

Sean moved closer and embraced Christian in an all too familiar friendly hug. Christian gladly accepted the gesture, if not only to take in his scent, but to get to hold him. Maybe holding him if only for a second would banish his demons. There were so many things he wanted to say. So many thoughts racing through his head. He refrained from spilling them, like he refrained from hugging him too tight. He hated when he felt desperate... desperate like so many women he had screwed over.

"I can't wait forever Sean." Christian whispered. Sean looked past it not asking what it meant. It wasn't like Christian was going to give up his one night stands for a 'Miss Right' anyway. But then again, he was going to for Kimber at one point and Michelle at another. The possibilities were limitless when it came to Christian Troy.

--

Christian paced in his room. Sean had gone to bed and that's what he was supposed to be doing.

'Fuck!' Christian thought to himself, not sure what the hell to do with himself. With all the alcohol downed he could of divested a little more of his feelings. If it went well though, it would be blamed on the alcohol. But on a similiar note- if it didn't go so well, he could blame it on the alcohol as well. Either way he was just too tired to force an conclussion, but his statement still rang in his ears as if he had screamed it.

'I can't wait forever,' no, he couldn't. He had waited long enough really. It should be the perfect time. They were both single, Julia was out of the picture, no more excuses. So why can't he just make himself say it? Yeah, admit to another man you love him. He was always told that that would make him a pussy. Funny, he felt like more of a pussy for holding this shit in.

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Even the writer feels conflicted, not the angst I wanted. Eh, I wanted to have one of those scenes where they try to work out their problems with words. I find it interesting that these two men can talk to each other and express their selves so freely with one another. I guess that's what a 20 year friendship gets you. But I'll note that no matter how much they talk, it never seems to completely solve the problem.

**I hope I got all the names right, I don't have season five on DVD yet-- duh, it doesn't come out til Dec, 30th :( (this wrote October 11-08) And my recorded season five is missing some episodes, even the finale.**

**Oh, yeah this story will go on. Please review, I love getting feed-back. **


	3. Secret Manifestations

**As always thank you for the reviews. After all that's the whole point of writing fan fiction to have someone enjoy reading it as much as you did writing it. I also noticed that my title choices make it sound like a western. I want to make it clear-- this is not a western.**

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**The Desperate and the Forbidden**

chapter/three: _Secret Manifestations_

"Would you mind if I handle this solo? I just feel like I wanna be alone with my daughter in there." Sean explianed, scrubbed up and ready to handle her surgery. Christian eyed him thoughtfully, a little unsure.

"Of course. I should check on Darlene anyway, she's had a tough recovery- lot of pain." he had begun his exit, but stopped and turned back, "Everyone's gon' be okay."

Sean nodded as Christian made his way out. He didn't know why, but he was anything but optimistic about leaving Sean. It wasn't Annie's surgery, Sean was the best face man in the country, she was in top-notch hands. But there was something that lingered in the air. Christian tried to shake the feeling and headed to check on the woman who had bared a correct claim to him being the father of her daughter. Operate on another desperate woman just because you felt guilty that you fucked her twice. He didn't know how to feel about all of this. It was complicated and at a loss for repair. At least thinking about how to deal with this, and fix it, was pushing the sick feeling that was washing over him to the side for now.

--

Sean was contemplating finding a house, settling down, not being in the lime-light anymore, and maybe repairing the damage of what Eden had done to him and his little girl. He sent Liz to get more gauze, never realizing he'd regret the decision. He heard the door open and assumed Liz had returned with his order.

--

Christian made his way back from Darlene, she was okay and grateful Christian was concerned with her rehabiliatation. He was more concerned with getting her on a plane and back to Georgia. It wasn't his cruel nature this time, he just couldn't force himself to be okay with this. How was it going to be at Christmas or Thanksgiving dinner with his kids? 'Pass the potatoes. Hey, Matt, you remember that time you slept with your sister?' Yeah, that will make real good conversation.

--

The knife plunged repeatedly into his flesh, sharp, penetrating pain cutting through his body. Through his soul. Each blow stabbing deeper, hurting louder. Four deep wounds were visible on his back, it took seconds, seconds until he tasted his own blood as it rose from his throat. It was nearly causing him to choke. Seconds that felt like hours, that felt like an eternity. He fell to the floor, gasping for air.

He wasn't an idiot, he was a doctor, he knew he was dying. His vision fading, he struggled to focus to keep everything from going black. But the thought remained... even if someone found him and he could be saved, there's no telling the long term damage. Well, he knew the long term damage, but he didn't want that to be his last thought. What a shitty life to look forward to.

No, as his life started to flash before his eyes as he lay on the ground, terrified as he had ever been in his whole existence, he thought about his family, his livelihood, his children. And then he remembered Annie. Annie, the little girl he had affectionately known as his princess, still laying in twilight as a result of the anesthesia for her surgery. What if that bitch goes after her? He can't do a damn thing to stop it. He looked up at Colleen, she was still holding the knife as it dripped with his own blood. The blood still in his veins turned to ice, too bad that can't help him.

'This is it, it's over' he thought, amazed at how much thought can run through one's head when their number was up and they could see that bright light that they were supposed to be walking towards, but didn't really want to. It didn't matter now, nothing did. All the things he should've, could've said. The things he sould've done. It didn't make a goddamn bit of difference, the room was spinning and the light was making all of his conscious dim. The last image that flashed before his eyes, right before his maker sent him to twilight, was Christian's smiling face. He felt a warmness wash over him, his last thought was Christian as he blacked out.

--

Christian knew something wasn't alright, he felt it and now he heard a racket. He knew what Sean said, but he decided it would be better if he had a look for himself. If not only to settle his nerves. Slowly, as if his legs were rubber, he made his way to the Operating Room.

--

Colleen drug Sean's lifeless body to his office. The blood that gaped from his wounds left a horrid trail to be followed.

--

"Sean?" Christian called out.

He recieved an almost crippling silence. His heartbeat was the only thing louder and every thump from it made it difficult to breathe. Fear rose in his gut, nausea induced and wretching at his insides. He didn't know the cause of these feelings, but he didn't like them. He needed to just see that Sean was okay and they would go away and leave him to peace.

He tried the door, fuck it was locked. He knew that something was wrong now, why would Sean lock him out? "Sean?" He tried calling out louder, more closer to screaming. But he recieved nothing.

--

Colleen, that psycho with the big atrocious glasses, dipped her bloody hands in the aquarium. She had drug Sean to his office, he lay slowly dying somewhere near her.

"Wash it away. Wash away what you've done." She cried to herself.

She turned her gaze back to Sean. He was on his back, one hand drapped over his torso, eyes shut, barely breathing. She shook off her hands, water dropped randomly as it flew off her fingers.

"I made you, gave you everything. And look what you..." She grabbed at her hair, voice getting louder, she calmed it down, "Look how you treated me." She finished as if trying to at least help herself understand her psychotic rage. She glared down at him, if she couldn't have him, no one would. She'd kill him. She'd keep a little part of him in the fact that she was the one who took his life. Why not? He plays God, so could she.

--

Christian's foot met the door causing the frame to split and the door to swing open.

"Sean?" Christian called before his eyes met the horrific sight upon entering the Operating Room. A fresh trail of blood and gore leading the way like breadcrumbs in one of Grimm's most twisted fairytales. Christian's eyes scanned the room from the blood trail to Annie, who was still out cold, oblivious to what was happening. Maybe that was a good thing.

That feeling of dread running through him, panic rising higher, deeper. Dread sweeping over his features. Christian fought to function. He wanted to faint, he wanted to vomit, but he had to find Sean.

"Sean?!" He shouted louder.

"Christian?" Liz stumbled out of the supply room, she was okay, but holding her head. 'Ohh, my God! What happ..."

"Liz, tend to Annie." Christian hurried following the tragic lead. He was scared as all shit. Scared of what he might find. He knew something wasn't right, and now he just knows that Sean's in trouble. He hadn't wanted to leave him. Why did he let him talk him into leaving him? He knew that Colleen was nuts, he had helped Sean throw her out. With Colleen and Eden both still running around as active members of society he should of known better. Shit, Sean should've Known better than to want to be alone. Didn't the whole shit with The Craver teach him anything?

Christian followed the trail to Sean's office. Fresh Blood stained the door and the knob. He didn't have time to take a breath, he didn't bother to knock. He kicked the door in and it flung open and the room felt like it was spinning. A foul metallic odor invaded his nose, it was a scent he knew all too well. What his eyes beheld, his mind will never let him forget. He rushed over to his partner, kneeling down to him, his heart felt as if it had stopped in his chest. If Sean was dead, he'd quickly join him. His best friend laid in his own blood, his blood that had soaked in to the carpet, leaving a stain on the floor, but a bigger stain on Christian's soul.

"Liz, get help!" He shouted, he picked Sean up in his arms. A pulse was faint and fading.

He couldn't stop the tears, he didn't notice them coming, but they were running down his cheeks. They almost felt as if they were burning his cheeks, his eyes, his soul.

"Sean, please..." he ran his hand up Sean's face and removed the surgical cap from his head, holding him tighter, "don't leave me. You can't leave me, Sean, you're all I have."

He should've done something, anything, but there was nothing he could do. He felt the last bit of life Sean had in him leave. Sean was dead.

--

They found Colleen wondering the streets, bloody, out of her mind, and still clutching to the murder weapon. Annie and Liz were both fine, minus the psychologial damage. Sean was buried back in Miami.

Christian stood at his grave, wind blowing against him in a gentle breeze. It was almost soothing, but no, he would never be at peace or at ease again. A thousand thoughts raging in his head, those same goddamn thoughts that kept him from sleeping at night. No, he'll never get a good night's rest ever again. All that was good in his life is gone, dead, and buried. Wilbur is all that remains and is all that keeps him tethered to the here and now. If that little boy didn't rely on him so much... well, he just don't know how to finish that statement.

Checking on Darlene wasn't worth it, it could have waited. He knew something awful was going to happen and he was right. He wished he had of been wrong. He could've stayed in the room, quietly. Sean didn't make Liz leave. Christian knew those thoughts were selfish, Liz had to be there incase something went awry and someone needed to assist him, but it was pretty shitty that Sean made Christian leave. Still, he could've waited outside the door.

Christian wished he could see him again. If he were there he'd tell him not to blame himself, Christian can't always hold his hand, it was fate. People die and his number was up, there was nothing Christian could've done to save him. Christian didn't want to hear it, he knew the truth-- It was his fault.

All that time he spent with Julia, all the other times he spent jealous of Sean for whatever reason. Sean was normal, maybe that was hard to accept, he just wanted the American dream. Wanted to be in the spotlight. Christian regreted the jealousy. He had told himself he was jealous of Sean, of his good grades in med school, getting Julia, having a family, and then becoming the star he deserved to be in Hollywood. Maybe he was really jealous that he couldn't have what he really wanted. Moving to Hollywood, chasing Sean out there, maybe it felt like the time was right, finally right. But Sean was too distracted by the flashing lights and glitter of such a ill-faited, tainted town. A town and a dream that had claimed so many lost souls and spoiled so many lives, had now claimed the life of his partner and spoiled Christian's soul forever. Then of course there was Julia, coming in to wreck the moment again. Christian didn't want Julia anymore, wondered if he ever really did. She was a shitty substitute for what he really wanted.

Christian kneeled down at the grave, placing the flowers right at the foot of the stone. He didn't cry as much as he did after it happened. He thought he would, but this feeling was much worse, he was numb, he couldn't feel much of anything-- aside from guilt and regret. He had screamed at the image of Sean in his head, cursing him, calling him a hypocrite, maybe that would make the hole in his heart go away. Maybe it would make him feel better, make him whole again. It didn't, he'll never feel whole again. He knew the truth, he was the hypocrite, he had waited too long.

"Sean... I have never been the greatest friend in the world, or the one you needed me to be... infact you should have kicked my ass to the curb years ago,"

Christian tried to smile, but it only brought pain, it only brought tears. The wind swept up around him again. Christian gazed to the heavens if only for a second, then back down to the stone. He tried to hold the tears, not let them escape, but the bastards kept making their presence known.

"I just want you to know," his voice came out shakey, "I love you..."

--

The words echoed in his head as Christian snapped awake, he sat straight up, eyes wide and frantically searching the room. He came to the realization that it was just a dream. Another fucking nightmare. He was back in his bed, back in his room, in the condo. He had been having the same goddamn dream about Sean since the accident. He didn't know why. Sean had took a restraining order out on Colleen. That crazy bitch was the number one suspect in the murder of Agent Bob Lovitz. She's awaiting her fate in prison.

Christian was tempted to go see her in jail, make sure she was there and couldn't get out to harm Sean, or Julia, or any of his family. This dream, however, made no sense. But he guessed it was because his worst fear was loosing Sean. Loosing him to a circumstance where Christian wouldn't be able to make him come back.

--

He found himself at Sean's bedroom door, looking in on him as he slept, making sure he was okay. Christian sighed relief as he saw Sean's chest rise and fall in the rhythmic motion of breathing. Seeing him lay there, seeming so peaceful almost made the bad thoughts go away.

Sean snapped awake as he felt Christian pull back the covers, and the bed dip as Christian was already part-way in. He was more on guard since the whole Carver inccident. He was shaken, glad to see it was just Christian and yet, concerned to see that it was Christian.

"What the hell?" Sean started.

"I had a nightmare." Christian was surprised that sounded audible.

"A nig... what are you two?" Sean snickered. He shouldn't be so surprised, Christian was often a child in a man's body. So fragile and damaged at times. It was in those moments that Sean couldn't help but find Christian... cute?

"I was about you." Christian said, still half-way in the bed.

"It was?" Sean replied interested.

Christian told Sean the dream in brutal detail. He knew it by heart at this point. However, he left out a few minor details, namely, the part where he stood at his grave and confessed so much. Sean listened to him, concern rush over his whole being.

"It's okay, Christian. She's behind bars. She can't hurt anyone ever again." Sean yawned, sleep trying with all it's might to reclaim him, "Now, goodnight, we have surgery tomorrow, I need sleep if I plan on making sure Mrs. Camden gets a nose job and not a lobotomy."

"Camden?" Christian asked, wondering if more ghosts were coming back to haunt him.

"Oh, no it's not the woman you once knew." Sean smirked, putting emphasis on the word 'knew' as he rolled over and pulled the sheets up around his neck.

Christian looked over at Sean's form, longing and sadness overwhelming him. He turned away from him and covered himself up, that all too familiar scent coming back to him, he let the calmness and comfort of it claim him and the sleep as well. He drifted off into a better dream, where he and Sean could be with no consequences, no barriers, just them. Or course there was Wilbur and Annie and Conor and Matty, there was even Julia. But she was no longer the object of their desires. Olivia was cheating on her with Liz. This led to new jokes and insults to dish out. Would he tell Julia? Hell no, that'd spoil the fun.

--

Sean had gotten up and walked to the kitchen, he had woke up thirsty, his mouth dry. A couple of minutes later he drudged back to bed, water bottle still in hand incase he needed it later on. He was slightly startled when he saw a Christian in the hall-way.

"Christian, shit! You scared the fuck outta me. What the hell are you..."

Sean was cut off when Christian's arms shot out and grabbed his head, not hard, not dominate. Or he was cut off more-or-less when Christian's lips pressed against his own. Christian pulled back and grazed his lips on Sean's cheek.

"Christian," Sean gasped, his heart racing, "let's not complicate this."

"Look around Sean, it's been complicated for years." Christian responded. Sean knew he was right, it had been. He was distracted from that thought as he felt Christian's hand trailing down to grab the bulge concealed beneath his boxers, his other hand remained lightly on Sean's neck. He traced his thumb over Sean's lips before he pressed his lips against Sean's again, but Sean pulled away.

"Christian, I..I can't, This isn't right."

"So, you're Mr. Conservative?" Christian grinned.

"No, but what about the business, our kids, our livelihood?"

"Why can't you just give into what you've known for years?"

"Christian, this isn't like you. I know you, you'd never go for this." Sean stated.

"What about you?" Christian grinned a bit too wicked.

"I... I..."

Sean cut himself off that time when he grabbed Christian's head and kissed him, throwing himself into it, his heart pounding so damn hard he felt like he couldn't breathe. He was scared as fuck, but aroused. Christian pulled him closer, grabbing and pulling at his shirt, stretching it, but hell, Sean didn't care. Fuck the shirt.

--

The alarm clock brought Sean to his senses. He opened his eyes and shut it off, then he felt something buried in his back. Soft snoring could be heard, it wasn't his, or some woman's. Then he remembered that Christian had gotten in bed with him last night. Christian was snoring and Christian's head was buried in his back. Sean sat up and rubbed his eyes, then redirected his gaze to Christian who hadn't been phased by the alarm.

The warm feeling Sean had was replaced by one of awkwardness and shire confussion as the dream came flooding back.

'Shit.' he thought. He knew what he'd tell himself; it was the alcohol, or it was that Christian had got in bed with him, it was Julia, it was all the other shit that had been eating at him recently. Dreams are just that, dreams. They are not a real approach to understanding what we really want-- it isn't a manifestation of what we really want hidden in them. He always had odd dreams, and hallucinations, it was normal.

He was lying to himself and even he didn't believe him. Ever since Faith had divested in him that Christian may be in love with him, he saw Christian in a different way. But he knew that they could never be. He had a family and a wife at the time. Christian had Michelle and there was no way. Besides when he was letting Christian 'down gently' he was ignoring the fact that he had secretly hoped Christian would just admit to being in love with him. Christian, however, let Sean down hard.

Sean sighed and pushed away the covers. He needed Christian up, but with as much as he had drank, he may think he did something he didn't want to face that he did. So, Sean got up quietly and found himself in the bathroom, maybe he could hurry and make it out before he woke up. After all he didn't need Christian, he could do a nose job, Christian needed his sleep, he'll come in later, it's alright. Was he buying his own excusses or did he just not want to face Christian? Sean wasn't sure, and he didn't want to argue with himself right now. He got ready in a hurry and left earlier than usual for the office, all with out waking Christian up.

**

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And there's chapter three. Hope you like it. Review-- you know you want to :)


	4. The Risks At Hand

**And I will begin by saying thank you for the reviews, and I'm sorry if the last chapter frightened anyone. I hope no one decided to quit after the death scene. **_**Spoilers for the end of season five;**_** Julia gets shot by Eden, she's okay, but lost her memory. Sean tells her they're still married and happy. Christian takes Annie out and gets into a car crash, thanks in large-part to the 'photogs' trying to get a photo of Sean's daughter. Christian has a broken collar-bone, Annie has a large gash on her head, Sean is going to fix it. But Sean wants alone time with Annie and that psycho Colleen stabs him and leaves him laying. That was the cliff-hanger for the finale. I set this story after that, so I had to address the ending my own way. I didn't want our Seany dead, so I made it a nightmare of Christian's. Sorry for any and all confusion. I've seen the teasers for the season six, I used some and made up my own, but it's not truth in what may happen in the next season. Sorry for the long intro-- I just wanted to explain that for those who don't know.**

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**The Desperate and the Forbidden**

chapter/four: _The Risks At Hand_

Sean was scrubbed up and ready to fix Mrs. Camden's nose in near record time. Since it was the first thing on the agenda, he could get it out of the way. Liz raised an eyebrow to him as he entered the OR. His coat was tied, gloves were on, and the mask was in place.

"The patient is in twilight and is ready when you are, Sean." Liz announced kindly.

"Thank you, Liz... fifteen blade." Sean took the scalpel and began his work.

"I assumed Christian would be assisting." Liz inquired.

"No, just me today." Sean smiled through his surgical mask.

"Well, where is Christian? I haven't seen him this morning, and it feels strange starting off the day without the usual morning insult."

"I'm sure everything's fine, Liz." Sean replied trying to concentrate.

"Are you sure? You two are still livivng together, right?"

"Uh huh." Sean responded, still concentrating.

"Well, ususally you leave together..."

"We don't leave together, we have seperate vehicles." Sean sounded offended. He raised up and straightened the kinks out of his back.

"You know what I mean, Sean. Did he come in last night at all?"

"Liz, Christian's personal life is none of my business."

Liz couldn't believe what she just heard; Sean and Christian always share their business and personal business with each other. She wanted to roll her eyes, but noticed that Linda had beat her to it. Sean didn't see the gesture.

"When has it not been your business, Sean?" Liz asked what they were all thinking, including Sean himself.

"Why are you so interested? Chrsitian is a grown man and I can't be discussing his personal endeavors when I'm trying to focus on a patient."

"Please, you two always discuss your personal endeavors during surgery, plus, you could do a nose job blind-folded. He was scheduled to assist you." Liz resonded, hand on her hip. Sean looked at her past the top part of his glasses.

"Like you said Liz; I can do a nose job blind-folded, I don't need Christian to hold my hand."

"No, Sean, you don't. But, ususally when one of you is scheduled to assist the other and there is an unexplained change in plans, something is going on, or about to explode."

"Nothing is going on, nothing will explode, we're fine."

"Okay, but if one more fight breaks out..." Liz cut herself off mid-sentence.

"That's only happened twice... and it's not going to happen again... Scissors."

Liz finally gave up. It's fine, why worry about the business? It's not like it's been perfect in the last few years. The assistant handed Sean the chisel. He knew Liz was right, he could do a nose job practically in his sleep, but he hoped the concentration on it would take his mind off other things. Ask Julia, she knew better than anyone that when Sean had something on his mind, he got productive.

--

The Sunlight had been hurting his eyes, not to mention his head. Seeping in, fucking with his sleep. Christian groaned at the throbbing behind his eye sockets, it wasn't being helped by the evil rays of daylight. Christian slowly opened his tired eyes to blurriness, he blinked a couple of times to rid them of it. At first he was confused as to where he was, whose bed he was in. Then he remembered, he was in Sean's bed and could avoid the awkwardness of waking up in some chick's house. He turned his head to gaze at the clock on the nightstand. It said 11:32.

"Shit, Sean." He muttered. He was beyond late and wondered why Sean hadn't bothered to even try and wake him. Obviously he had missed the fucking alarm.

Christian sat up and rubbed his hands over his face, trying to banish the last drop of sleep from it. He threw back the covers and swung his legs over the bed, yawning, and willing himself to get on up. Two minutes later he was in his own bathroom, in his own shower, letting the water cascade down his body. It was soothing, warm, and getting all the drowsiness completely out of his system. Even with the relaxing shower, he couldn't help wondering why he felt the way he did.

Coming to terms with the fact that he was in love with Sean, his partner, his best friend... that was one thing. Admitting it out loud was a whole different ballgame. Questions swirled in his mind like the water and the suds from his bodywash swirled down the drain. Questions he wasn't sure he wanted to answer or face, but questions that were imposing their will, whether he liked it or not. What would he say to Sean? How would he go about it? Sean and himself had discussed many things over the course of their twenty year friendship. Most couples who are together for decades longer don't have the luxury of talking so opening with each other about the kind of shit Sean and Christian discussed. So why would admitting to the man who he knew so well, and that knows him equally as well, that he loved him be so hard?

He scrubbed his hair and ran his fingers through it as the water rinced away the shampoo, letting the questions wrap around potional solutions. After all he had the perfect chance last night, he let it pass. He had always been the type of man that if he saw something he wanted, he went after it with passion and conviction.

But, the answer was simple; It was too big of a risk. Sean was not some ditzy bimbo one-night-stand at a bar. Sean was his business partner, his best friend. Sean was the only relationship he really had that had lasted, that meant... anything. The only one he hadn't completely fucked up. Julia didn't count, he had knew Julia for twenty years, he had knew her in other ways more complicated. But, Julia, always tried to push Christian away-- wanted him to get his own family. Chrsitian only knew one family and she didn't want him apart of it.

He couldn't be completely upset at her, he never was. Hurt? Yes. Upset? No. She was just afraid she'd act on certain long repressed feelings. Maybe he was too. Neither wanted to really hurt Sean. The need to be with Julia was always out-weighed by the need to protect Sean. He had told Sean that he didn't think anything could come between them, except Julia. Then he waited for Sean to give them his blessing. Sean couldn't do that. Chrsitian was lying; if he could have his cake and eat it too, he'd take a big slice. But, if it meant loosing the man he so admired, he'd sit back and let Sean have Julia. Just like he always did.

Christian's words from last night echoed in his ears like a song gets stuck in your head.

"She's just not the one Sean, for either of us."

Christian had convinced himself of that already, now he needed to convince Sean.

He played the damn conversation over and over in his head. Thinking about what he'd say, it never came out right. Maybe they'd argue, fight, or Sean would go quiet and then leave the room. But there were the good ones where they'd kiss, then fuck, then Sean would feel guilty and leave Christian alone in bed. That was a rare occurrence; Chrsitian being the one left alone in bed after a hot night of sex. Sean would be the only one, well at least these days, that Christian wouldn't want to kick out. Wouldn't tell him to leave after Sean had fell asleep in his arms and sun had came up.

Chrsitian's hands trailed ever so lightly down his body, making their way to a hardening shaft. He could imagine lying naked with Sean, holding him. His fingers wrapped around his cock, pumping harder. Shutting his eyes tighter, getting lost in fantasy, ignoring voices screaming at him that he shouldn't have these thoughts. Propping himself up with his free hand on the shower wall, water running down his back, seeing himself kissing Sean, exploring places that were forbidden.

Faster, harder... Christian gasped at the release, coming instantly, his breathing hitched, slowing. He opened his eyes, a hundred more thoughts running like mad inside his head.

Chrsitian has collected himself and turned off the water. He finished getting ready and headed for McNamara/Troy.

--

Upon arrival, he found Sean sitting in the breakroom sipping fresh coffee. Liz sat beside him reading a newspaper with very little fascination.

"Well, it's about time you decided to join us. I thought we were gonna have to put out an ad for a new surgeon." Liz greeted letting the paper fall. Sean barely acknowledged Christian's entrance.

"You remember what happened last time we done that Liz... Sean nearly got his head cut off and I nearly lost my right hand." Chrsitian said pouring himself a cup of coffee.

"Chrsitian, I don't want to hear anymore about that, I'm trying to put it behind me." Sean finally spoke.

"Along with a shit load of other things." Liz replied in reference to getting shot, lossing her kydney, the usual stuff that happens in an operating room. "So, why are you late?"

"Alarm clock trouble." Christian replied looking at Sean who was staring down into his coffee with troublesome fascination. Liz didn't notice, she went back to the article that slightly held her attention.

"Out late with a supermodel, yet again?" Liz asked more like a statement.

"No, the supermodel was out quiet early." Christian smiled arrogantly before taking a slow sip of the hot liquid.

"Guess she realized what a pig you were and ran screaming." Liz commented.

"Not at all, actually, she saw the picture I keep of you in the photo album I have on the coffee table, then she ran screaming."

"Aww, that's so sweet. You keep a picture of me in a coffee table photobook." Liz deliberately ignored the insult. Christian smirked cause he knew she would.

"Lizzy, do you mind? I need to speak with my partner alone." Christian glanced at Sean, who finally looked up from his mug.

"I'm sure anything you have to say, you can say in front of Liz. After all, she knows everything that goes on in both of our lives." Sean rolled his eyes over to Liz, who was still 'buried" in the entertainment section.

"Why didn't you you make sure I was up, Sean?" Christian accused.

"I didn't think it was my duty to. After all, you're not a child. I don't out you to bed, I don't wake you up." Sean reminded Christian of his words last night.

"If you drink too much and I get up first, I make sure you're up. I'd expect the same goddamn liberty."

"You shoudn't drink so much alcohol when you know we have surgery scheduled early the next day."

"I never heard your alarm clock, Sean" Chrsitian leaned against the counter and took another slow sip. Liz let one side of the paper fall and looked over at Christian, thinking to herself that this sounded interesting. More so than the newspaper.

"You should've heard it." Sean reclined back in his chair, feeling uncomfortable, wondering if it was the chair, or the conversation.

"You turned the damn thing off before I could." Christian shot back, not hateful.

Liz's eyes widened. Something was definately going on with these two.

"You came into my room, Christian, you know good and damn well that my alarm is shitty and low."

"Whoa, whoa, whoa! Did I miss something here?" Liz folded the paper up and sit it down. "You two slept together?"

"It's not like that Liz..." Sean looked over at her.

"I had a nightmare and we slept together... nothing happened." Christian finished as he noticed Sean's uncomfortable demeanor.

"A nig... what are you two?" Liz smirked.

"That's exactly what I said... Look, Liz, it was nothing we slept in the same bed, nothing happened. We've known one another for twenty years, we're adults." Sean stated.

"Hey, I'm not the one to pass judgement." Liz got up and walked out of the breakroom and on back to work.

Both men watched her leave before Sean finally drew his attention back to Chrsitian. "Thanks for blurting shit out."

"Me?" Christian's gaze snapped back to Sean.

"It was harmless, we're adults. We didn't do anything wrong."

"No, we didn't, so there's no need to act weird, Sean. I'll be in my office if you need me." Christian passed Sean on his way out and patted his shoulder in a friendly gesture.

'There's plenty need to act weird, you didn't want to act on it.' Sean thought. He had contemplated about it. He could go in Christian's office and just confess. But he knew it was risky. Christian is the straightest guy he knows, if he divulges in him his biggest secret, Christian was likely to freak out and Sean would loose his freindship with the man forever. It was too high of a bet, and Sean was not a gambler.

If Escobar were here, he'd tell Sean that he had no balls. He'd tell him to go after what he wanted. But he had too much shit on his plate to let his conscience conjure up old ghosts. Besides, he was at ease knowing that prick Gallardo was rotting in hell.

Sean sighed and sat his coffee down on the table before picking up the newspaper Liz had left behind. Maybe the latest world disaster would take his mind off the shit eating at him. After a few seconds of flipping through pages and articles, he began to find it more depressing. Then his eyes scanned an article about a young boy, just sixteen, who had murdered his mother after she caught him in bed with his fifteen year old female cousin. He murdered her because she would not give her blessing of their incest. It was different from his situation with Matt, but not by much. All the piece did was piss Sean off a little bit more. He folded the paper and brought it down on the table a bit harder than he probably should have. The motion knocked his coffee off the table and caused it to spill on to his leg, barely missing his crotch.

"Shit." Sean let out a yell and scooted back in his seat away from the liquid dripping off the table and in relation to the stinging of the coffee .

"Sean, what's wrong?" Christian's voice was present in the doorway.

"I burnt my goddamn leg." Sean winced at the hot sensation as he used the newspaper to wipe it off of him as if it were a towel.

"You okay?" Christian asked getting some towels and tending to the mess before it caused any more accidents.

"Yeah, I'm... I thought you were in your office?" Sean changed the subject on himself.

"I was, I was just walking through to get a chart. Need any help?" Sean had walked over to the sink as Chrisatian was talking, Christian's eyes left the coffee 'death-trap' long enough to watch him.

"No, I'm fine Christian." Sean replied wetting a rag and continuing to wipe.

"Let me take a look at it." Christian offered.

"No." Sean's tone was a tad touchy.

"It could be serious."

"It's nothing, Christian, it wasn't that hot." He wasn't lying, it wasn't, still hurt though.

"Sean, is this about last night?" Christian asked.

"Spilling coffee on myself has nothing to do with last night." Sean smiled a bit.

"I mean... the way you're acting." Christian said standing back up.

"How am I acting?" Sean replied, his back still turned away from Christian.

"Like you don't want to be in two feet of me." Christian responded tossing the wet, crumbled up, coffee stained newspaper along with some paper towels that looked the same in to the trash can.

"I'm just busy is all." Sean took a breath.

"With what? You don't have another consult til one-thirty." Christian inquired, he walked slowly up to the side of Sean keeping his distance so he wouldn't unnerve him.

"It's..." Sean held his wrist up and studied his watch, "one-ten now."

"Sean, did it bother you?" Christian gazed down at a spot on the floor, arms held behind his back, he almost looked innocent.

"No, not at all." Sean refrained from turning his head in Christian's direction. Infact, he hadn't looked at Christian since he want to the sink. The sting of the coffee, however, was the last thing on his mind.

"Then why did you spill hot coffee on you leg? You don't just have accidents when nothing is eating at you."

"It's nothing Christian. Drop it." Sean thought it sounded as if he were pleading.

"Is it Matty?"

"No." Sean shook his head, finding something in the sink fascinating, or at least Christain thought he did by the way Sean kept his gaze there.

"Julia?"

"No."

"Conor or Annie?"

"No." Sean wanted to sound frustrated at Christian's persistence, but he kept his voice calm and went back to wiping like a control freak.

"Wilbur? 'Cause I called Julia and she said he was fine and was having the time of his life with Conor. You know, Sean, he may have found a life-long friend. Maybe, they'll become closer than... brothers." Christian said putting emphasis on the word 'brothers'. He leaned forward and looked over Sean's shoulder. Sean shook off his notions and looked back at his partner.

"I'm fine, Christian, really. The kids, Julia, they're all fine. It's okay. Everything." Sean assured, amazed that he kept his voice calm and steady. Sean ignored the voice in the back of his head that asked him who he thought he was trying to convince. He also ignored that the voice called him a fucking hypocrite, among a few other things.

"Okay... I just wanna make sure we're good."

"We're good, Christian." Sean smiled causing Christian to smile back.

"You want me to sit in on your next consult?" Christian offered.

"If you want, it's nothing really."

"We're partners remember? We should have more hands in each other's business..."

For the most part Sean had tuned Christian out, too busy trying to control the damn butterflies in his stomach, that is until he felt Christian's arms wrap around his waist and pulled him back into him. He felt Christian's lips on his neck ever so lightly as he kissed him, then grazed his lips on the area next to Sean's ear. Chills ran up and down the startled doctor and the next thing he knew Christian was reaching for his belt...

"Sean? Sean?!" Christian's voice brought him back to his consciousness. Sean gazed over at him blankly, swallowing, then opened his mouth like he might say something. It wasn't like Christian was in his head, but it sure felt like it to Sean.

"Did you hear me?" Christian went on.

"I'm sorry." Sean responded that no, he didn't.

"I said we should have more hands in each other's business. After all, we work better as a team and four hands are much better than two." Christian walked off as he finished.

Sean looked down at the floor, his face flushed in almost embarrassment. He couldn't even look at, or talk to, Christian without his mind getting away with him. He finally willed himself to move from the spot that he had occupied. Maybe the consult would take his mind off of it.

Sean walked to his office rather slowly, he was still embarrassed and sick at himself. He scolded himself for having feelings for someone he could never have, like some school girl lusting over the captain of the football team, knowing full well he'll never love her back, like Christian would never... Sean stopped that thought and collected himself before he entered his office.

--

A week passed without much to say, things were normal, Sean was glad they were. He couldn't take the wars raging in his head. Sean went on about his business, tried to keep distance from Christian without making him think he was avoiding him.

At two o'clock Sean showed up at Julia's, it was Sunday, the weekend was over and he was dropping off Conor and Annie, back to their loving mother. The kids ran on to their rooms to put away their things, Julia poured Sean a drink, Olivia wasn't home.

"How where they?" Julia asked handing him the glass.

"Great, they were good kids... are good kids. I had no trouble at all." Sean responded taking a drink. Julia lifted her head in an understanding nod. Sean had noted that Julia seemed more cold to him since she found out that he had told her he was her husband while she was in her amnesia state. She eyed him queerly. A hateful expression marking her features. Sean knew eventually she'd get over it, Julia doesn't know how to hold a grudge.

"So, Annie's scar has healed nicely. It should be barely noticeable in a few months." Sean spoke after a short, but awkward, silence.

"Yeah, Sean, you did a great job." She said in a bitter tone.

"Why don't you drop this talk nice, but stare at me cold act, Julia. I said I was sorry."

"Sorry is all I ever hear from you Sean." Julia held her drink by her neck, looking away from Sean at the wall.

"I just..."

"What were you thinking, Sean? I'd just forget about Olivia and then you and me would go live happily ever after?" Julia interupted.

"No, it wasn't that, I'm sorry, I just... I just wanted to feel like I had a moment's happiness. I wanted you to feel like you had someone, that you weren't alone. It wasn't fraudulent, but... I know that I made mistakes as a husband. I can never go back and redo them. I wanted you to believe you had a good husband, if only for awhile."

"I wasn't always there for you either Sean, but I'm happy with Olivia. I love Olivia, I wish you and Christian could be happy for me."

Sean wanted to tell her how he really felt. It was her same old bullshit. 'If you're so damn happy with Olivia, why did you seek out Christian?' Julia failed to realize that everytime she forced Sean to stand in his truth she avoided standing in her own. Sean knew he was at fault for a ton of shit that had foiled and tarnished their fairytale marriage, but at least he admitted it. Julia refused to face the fact that she had a hand in its destruction as well as he did.

"I know, it's okay, Julia. You're happy with Olivia. I see that. I respect it... You know, that Olivia's one lucky woman, having someone as loving and caring as you to love her. I just hope she never looses sight of that." Sean smiled, Julia returned it, even if it was half-hearted. "I feel sorry for Olivia anyway, that whole mess with Eden."

"Another mess you caused." Julia said taking a sip of her drink.

"Me?" Sean shot her a confused look, though he knew what she meant.

"Um huh?" Julia nodded, staring dead at Sean.

"My fault, Julia? Okay, fine... this whole goddamn thing can be blamed on me. I let Eden seduce me, Julia. Wake up! I'm sick of feeling sorry for it, I'm tired of apologizing. I screwed up! Are you happy now? I just want to move on, forget about it."

"Well, move on. It's you, not me, that keeps trying to put this relationship back together." Julia snapped back.

"Then why did you sleep with Christian?" The words came out before he could contain them. "You've been lusting after him all these years. You never could be happy with me entirely. So you played us off one another all this time because you couldn't make up your mind."

"Stop it, Sean, God... I'm sick of... why does it bother you so damn much? It's not okay if I date or screw someone is it?" Julia lashed out.

"I don't care who you screw Julia, but why did you go after Christian? You know he can't commit." Sean threw it back in her face.

"So, it doesn't bother you if I... are you telling me Christian was off limits?" Julia raised an eyebrow at him.

"He's my best friend." Sean shot back.

"I don't think it's Christian you're jealous of. I think it's me." Julia stated seriously.

"What the hell does that mean." Sean pushed back his jacket and rested his hand on his hip.

"Everytime I screwed up, you pushed me out in the cold. But, everytime Christian screwed up, you forgave him like nothing had ever happened." Julia pointed her finger at Sean as she spoke.

"He's like my brother." Sean snapped.

"Brother, huh? Call it whatever you like, Sean." Julia replied coldly, she sat her drink on the counter.

"You think just because you're gay, I hav--"

"Love isn't about being gay, Sean. I know you're not gay, after twenty goddamn years, I know. And Christian would take a bullet before he'd date another man, remember that."

"I'm taking the kids out Wednesday, after school, I get off early..." Sean replied nonchalantly as he headed for the door, "It's alright Julia, you're over me, I'm over you. We're civilized adults, who can still co-exist and be friends, even after disasterous circumstances." Sean continued, he stopped between the frame.

"Are you talking about me, or Christian?" Julia asked crudely.

"All of us." Sean responded before he turned and left. He didn't know if Julia was being dead serious about her beliefs, or if she was being sarcastic and childish in saying he was in love with Christian. More in love with him, in fact, then he was with her. The sad part was she was right, Julia was always right. He hated lying to her, but what was he going to do? Tell her the truth so she could go share her findings with Christian? Julia was right again, Christian would take a bullet before he'd date another man. That thought made the lunch he had just shared with his kids rise up to his throat.

--

Sean walked into the condo and threw his coat over the back of the sofa. Christian was busy on the floor, making baby noises, and playing with Wilbur, enjoying father-son quality time. Sean watched him, letting himself smile. Christian was cold-hearted at times, but at times like this, he seemed capable of human emotion.

Christian lifted Wibur up and blew kisses on his tummy before he put him back down to his toys. Sean had sat on the couch.

"Everything okay with Julia?" Christian asked noticing his partner's lethargic demanor.

"Fine." It seemed to be the only word Sean knew these days, 'fine'.

"You sure? You look like she just told you you could never see your kids again. She didn't did she?" Christian asked getting a drink.

"No, lucky for me."

"You want anything?" Christian offered, "While I'm up."

"No, I don't need anything." Sean continued to watch Wilbur, thinking of his own kids, thinking of his own life. What was he thinking? Wanting to have something with Christian? He had a business and kids to think about. What would they think of him? Aside from that, if he spilled his heart to Christian, what would he think of him?

Sean felt the couch sink down as Christian sat beside him. Sean didn't bother to look at him, or acknowledge his presence. He was too lost in his own problems to care.

* * *

**There you have it. I even got in some interaction from other characters, how bout that? I'm still not done, hope no one runs off-- review, please :)**


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